I think I have succesfully "abandoned" them in some ways. This experience has also me looking at my current relationships with my family members. I am who I am because of what, who, why and where. I have kind of had a good idea and even spoken those words, but to embrace the past and the experiences I have had is not something I have done. This only means that I am beginning to acknowledge and understand more about my own make-up and what makes me tick. This does not mean that I am going out in the world and make my parents pay for their "sins". Having said this, last night I had a chance to look into my heart and through the energy clearing excersice I acknowleged a lot of fear and hurt around abandonment. I have come to accept in my head that things are what they are and I don't feel cheated or abandoned or anything else. But as a child that was my way of thinking. Trust and hope are not the same thing, naturally. However, I always told myself that I trusted things would be great. I hoped that things would change and my parents would want me to live with them. I realized that as I was growing up and in my teenage years I had confused hope with trust. Last night was a difficult class as we talked about trust trust in oneself, trust in relationships, trust in God, trust in workplace and so forth. What it does is give you an opportunity to get rid of negative thinking and replace those thoughts and feelings with something positive and light. I have been going to some Energy Clearing Classes the past few months. I am on my second week and running one minute and walking four nine times is HARD! Jaana, you are my hero! I thought this would be a piece of cake for someone who had been physically active for years, but guess what! That is bunch of crap. I AM HURTING EVERYWHERE! Running is completely different from riding a bike. However, Jaana (AGAIN!) started her 10K training a few months ago and has given me the desire to try it out. Now to physical fitness: I have been one to excersice almost always and I don't feel "normal" if I don't sweat and ache at least three or four times a week riding a bike, using the elyptical or working my abs. And I know there will be more life's lessons that will teach me and shape me further. (Same old stuff that I have tried to make peace with all my life.) I have hoped that I can just let all that stuff "rest in peace" but stirring it up again actually has assisted me to realize how all life's experiences have shaped me into the person I am today. Kind of made me feel invisible or not important. Yet, I lived with her and grandpa since I was 10 years old. Actually Jaana mentioned after reading my grandmother's life history that my sister Leena and I were not even mentioned in her writing. It has been a good thing and also not so good because all this remeniscing has brought up issues about my childhood, teenage years and first marriage. I suppose I always felt my life has been pretty ordinary and I have not taken the time to really reflect on what my life looks like. It is so hard to read that I have started and stopped several times. I also contacted my sister Irene for any more information she may have had and she sent me my grandpa's writings. I started digging for information I already had, translated my paternal grandmother's life history and started writing my own (I am in the year 1972). My daughter, Jaana got things started when she realized she does not know much about her family or grandparents, especially the ones from Finland. Family history has been the last thing on my mind for a long long time. How does that make any sense? In the past few months I have been given some feedback on family history, excersice, old issues with parents and new issues with kids. And yet, the weeks sometimes seem super long. Wow! Can't believe it is middle of April already.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. ArchivesCategories |